Road Trip

Teddy, Mo, and I are in San Francisco visiting Auntie Beth, who is here for work. Mo is an easy baby to travel with. He is mellow and curious. He has been having trouble sleeping this morning and right now he is asleep on my shoulder while I am typing this post in my iphone. I am in heaven!

A positive distraction

I really wasn't sure if anyone would respond to yesterday's post! But we have a good group so far! Thank you! I'm really excited about this and it is something very positive for me to channel my energy towards! I have to admit, it really wasn't entirely my idea. I told my friend Carmen that I wanted to lose weight and she suggested that a contest is really the best motivator. This is evidenced by the fact that my sister in law who has no extra fat is currently participating in two weight loss challenges. She just enjoys the competition part. So listen, this thing officially will start on Monday. Carmen and I will come up with some rules and tips and email you all privately. We'll probably poll you on how you think we should do a few things like weigh ins and such. I think first weigh in should be next Friday because I always weigh less at the end of the work week than I do at the end of the weekend. And, NO- you don't have to do 2004 version (or any version) of weight watchers! You can do whatever you want. If you have no idea how to lose weight, we'll send some suggestions. A really good start is to go to www.myfitnesspal.com. You can find out how many calories you need to consume to lose weight and then track your food there. They also have an easy to use app you can download. Sign up for the "contest" by Sunday by emailing me at teddyabby at gmail dot com. You can join anytime or participate without paying the buy in amount if you just want motivation and someone to hold you accountable.

Teddy, Mo and I are off on a road trip this weekend. I'm feeling released of my beginning of the week bitterness. I am grateful for my readers, my friends. Thank you for supporting us. I hope I can have the opportunity to support you too.

30 Day Challenge

Throughout my adult years, I have gained and lost the same 10-15 pounds over and over again.  In my early twenties, I discovered Weight Watchers and have gone back to the counting points method many times.  I am a pro.  I know the points values of all foods by heart.  I really do - you can test me.

After having Max, I rejoined Weight Watchers.  By then, they had changed the system and the points values of all my favorite (and not favorite) foods.  I got to eat much more than I ever had before because I was nursing and they had changed the rules to allow as many fruits as you wanted.  It was pretty much the first time I had allowed myself to eat a banana in about 10 years (fruity beach cocktails not included - I have issues).

But the diet really didn't work after the first few months and I got stuck with those last fifteen pounds.  In fact, they stuck with me until I got pregnant with Mo.  I gained about 10 pounds less with this pregnancy and am stuck again at the same place - putting me 20 pounds above my pre-Max weight.  Realistically, I am still looking to lose 15 pounds (or get pregnant - those two things are in direct opposition, I am aware.)

Anyway, this post may make no sense to anyone who has never done Weight Watchers BUT, I decided this new system is not working for me and that I needed to go back to the 2004 O.G. version.  If it ain't broke...... I found a nerdy folder of old WW materials on ebay:

and I am rocking the slide scale to determine "points" values:

 If nothing else, counting up points each day keeps my attention off bigger, life and death kinds of worries.  I have challenged myself to a 30 day weight loss contest.  I even did my Jillian Michaels 6 week six pack DVD yesterday and I am SORE today (for reals).  Thing is - it's no fun competing against myself.  So, I am putting it out there.  Anyone want to join me in a 30 day weight loss challenge?  We can have a buy in and winner (who loses the largest percentage) wins the pot?

I'm looking for distractions and I think this is a good one.  Who is in?  Anyone?  Anyone?  teddyabby at gmail dot com

Alternate Universe

I live in an alternate universe: one in which I am fighting for my life every minute of every day. The threat feels very real, whether you believe it or not. In my universe TERRIBLE things happen to unsuspecting people and so you always have to be on guard. For some weird reason, the other people living here don't seem to realize that the earth has fallen to pieces and that life as we once knew it is forever damaged and ruined. Those of us who've gone through the change know that every minute counts and at the same time, those every moments can feel like an eternity. While you are talking about the weather and angry that we aren't paying attention, it's because we are making sure that at that very moment, everyone is still breathing- including ourselves. You and I don't speak the same language, we aren't part of the same culture, we are living in separate universes.

Keeping my blinds closed

I keep the blinds closed on our front window all of the time.  Occasionally Ted, or our nanny or the housekeeper will open them up.  I usually indulge whoever it is for a while but then quickly close them up again.  I hate seeing the outside world.  I hate letting the light in.  Same goes for the curtains that cover the sliding glass doors to our deck from our bedroom and the small window near my desk.  I like them all closed.  I hate the reminder that people are out there, still living like they were before July 19, 2011.  I hate that they might be able to see in and see us - grieving, laughing, crying, living.  I don't want to see them either.  I am not a part of "them".  I still like to choose my company.  It's very hard for me to be myself around people who don't know - or who do and choose to ignore it - or who I am just not close to.  I don't know why.  I could overanalyze it I suppose, but I choose not to.  I am tired.  I just do what makes me comfortable because I am always about 1 inch away from the edge and I really, really don't want to step over it.  Some people think this means I am self indulgent or selfish or whatever they think because I don't really know.  I just know that they get mad at me.  They don't have dead children and as much as they say they get it, they don't.  It is obvious that they don't get it.  If they got it, they would try to make us feel comfortable, knowing how difficult life is for us.  Instead, they hate that I am still trying to control conversation by admitting that certain topics make me uncomfortable, or scared or hurt my feelings.  They get mad that I have a hard time being around them or their friends.  I don't know what to say.  My only defense is that my son died and that I don't have a protective layer anymore.  That isn't good enough for some people anymore and I get that...but, it doesn't change the fact that I put my sanity at risk whenever I leave my bubble and I wish that the people who once loved me would consider that from time to time instead of getting angry.  I am not who I was and I think it is selfish of them to expect me to be that strong.  It's a difference of opinion and I don't care if they are mad.  I need to take care of myself and my little family first.  I can't be around people who cannot be sensitive to us...not yet at least.  So, I am keeping the blinds closed for now (both actually and metaphorically).  It just is what it is.  Knowing what I can handle has been my saving grace.  It has kept me from falling off the ledge.

* I loved the many guesses about who the Levy family might be.  "Mrs Levy" wrote me yesterday.  Somehow married names really trip me up.  All of you who still call me Abby Fleishman Leviss will understand.  Thank you Leslie and family for the book!  We love it.  XOXO

Hard Days

Last week was so hard.  I just felt Maxie's absence SO deeply.  It hurt all of the time - all day long.  On Thursday, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry....but I can't now.  I've gotta take care of Mo...I have a job to do.  But, I was WAITING for his nap so I could just cry and cry.  I needed to let it out of my system or I was going to bust.  The housekeeper was here and my house is so small, so I took a blanket out onto the front lawn, curled into a ball and bawled.  Finally, I called my friend Glenda.  She really talked me down.  I felt so much better after our conversation.  I know her road has been SO hard...but she has a wonderful attitude and she believes that we are doing this hard work for a reason.  She says that she doesn't know what that reason is...but there MUST be a reason.  In my heart, I know she is right.  But, holy moly it is SOOO hard.  I miss Max so much.

Yesterday, I read about a woman who lost a second child after losing her first to SIDS and it just about broke me.  I can only imagine the pain of losing a second child.  It makes me SO angry!  As we inch closer to 9 months old, I really feel like I am losing my mind.  Passover was an amazing distraction but I still have five weeks to go and I am scared and so raw.  Little pieces of my old self start to surface and then quickly evaporate as the weight of our loss smacks me in the face again and again.  I feel like I will never get off this roller coaster and from what I understand, I may not.  I can't stop thinking about the 10 month onsie sticker.  I cannot wait to stick it on Mo and take pictures.  I'm having a hard time.  That's it.

*We received such a sweet book on Saturday from "The Levy Family".  Do we know you?  If any member of the Levy family is reading, please let me know who you are and thank you so much for the present.  I read it to Mo yesterday and he loved it.  

teddyabby at gmail dot com

Passover was a dance party

Last night was SO fun.  It really, really was.  The bad news is that the neighbors were not happy with us.  We were loud outside way longer than I thought we would be.  My neighbor asked us to keep it down.  Oops.  He had actually come over earlier in the day to tell us that they were having an Easter party today and asked if we could keep our dogs out of our backyard during the afternoon so that they wouldn't bark during their party.  I thought that was kind of a weird request.  He also said it like he was annoyed and thought that our dogs bark too much.  What's funny to me is that when they bark, it is usually with THEIR dog.  Back and forth over the fence.  Anyway, this is the kind of thing I stress about...I am probably way over focused on it.  What REALLY matters is that is was such a good Passover.  The food was delicious, the wine was drunk, and the people danced.  Click here to catch a glimpse.  I planned to take a lot of photos but I failed.  Here are a couple of the table.

Babies at the Market

I went to Whole Foods yesterday in the middle of the afternoon to get a whole bunch of stuff for the seder tonight.  The place was crawling with babies.  I mean, I literally counted near 10 babies under 2 years old.  A year ago, it would have been my worst nightmare.  Yesterday, it was actually fun.  Mo loves checking out the other babies.  At one point, we found another baby about the same size (even though she was 18 months) who was at the store with her grandparents and she and Mo were holding hands across the shopping carts.  It was so cute, we couldn't bear to split them up, and we actually held up traffic by the dairy isle.  I would have HATED me last year!

The truth is, every time I see babies around this age, I wonder if they are going to die.  Actually, anytime I see babies of any age....every time I see a pregnant person too.  I can't help it.  I don't intentionally think this - my mind just goes there.  My experience is that babies die.  But instead of babies being a complete horror to me, now I see them as Mo's potential playmates.  I still have trouble with the Pavillions in my own neighborhood, but at least I can go to the market and face my absolute worst fears - babies and happy, proud, secure parents and grandparents.  Some things really are getting easier.

Ted's the mess

This week, Ted is the mess.  His knee is swollen like a melon from his ski trip last week and he has a bad cold.  He is home today - and since I am planning to make boat loads of chicken soup for tomorrow's dinner, I am going to try and nurse him back to health!  We are falling apart!!!!

Passover Photo Shoot

Mo wasn't really feeling up to our Passover Photo Shoot.  Instead of his usual smiles, he was mostly wanting to take a nap.  So, it was a short shoot.  We took him to the pediatrician later that day because his mommy worries!  He checked out fine and seems to actually be much happier today.  Thank goodness!

I love this boy!

Still...

I am still struggling with all of this anger.
I am angry that the circumstances surrounding Maxie's death are still a mystery.
Angry that my son is gone.
Angry that I am expected to tip toe around other people's feelings but they do not tip toe around mine. 
I am angry that there is nothing I can do to reverse this injustice.
I am angry that my heart is ruined and my soul is so damaged.
Angry that Mo will never get to play with his big brother.
The prevailing emotion I feel is not anger...but it is still in there and I would be lying if I said that I had come to peace with any of this.  I have not.
I still have so many questions.
I still am so angry....

Six Weeks

Ted was out of town this past weekend, and Friday night I had a bit of an anxiety attack about Mo.  He was fussing a lot all day - acting annoyed and whining.  He didn't have much an an appetite and he wasn't his usual happy self.  He was doing this a lot:

I remember Max losing his appetite around this same age.  He would get really fussy at meal time.  He would clamp his mouth shut and whine - just like Mo was doing.  I didn't think much of it when Max was doing it.  A co-worker told me that I should firmly tell him "no".  I get sick thinking about telling Max "no" when he might have been trying to tell me that he wasn't feeling well.  Perhaps he knew something was wrong with him.

Seeing Mo act the same way caused my mind to race.  I ended up calling the pediatrician late.  I was hoping she would tell me that all babies fuss like this at eight months old.  She didn't.  She just said that if he kept it up, I should bring him in.  Not what I wanted to hear.  What she did say though, was that if it were anyone else's child, she probably WOULD just say that it was likely nothing - a little tummy ache, overtiredness, gas or maybe cutting a tooth.  She understands that my experience is not like those of other mothers.  I worry more.

Last night, we attended a Passover seder at my fathers house.  Mo was thrown off of his game from the minute we got there.  My dad has a very loud bird that squacks in a way that makes the hair stand up on your head.  Even though Mo's hair is already standing straight up, his feathers got ruffled.  Every time the bird, Echo, would squack, Mo would cry.  He continued crying the rest of the time he was awake and then would not settle down to sleep easily.  Ted ended up rocking him and rubbing his back for 15 minutes or more until Mo finally fell asleep.  Everyone kept suggesting that perhaps Mo was unhappy because there were so many people there but Mo was super happy the day before at a baby shower full of strangers.  I know that sometimes babies, like all people, just get into moods - but it worries me more than it ever worried me with Max. 

Mo is eight months old.  That means that in six weeks, he will be nine and a half months old.  I have been both anxiously awaiting this time and dreading it.  So many of his behaviors are "typical" of an eight month old and so they remind me of how Max was acting in his last six weeks.  I am having trouble deciphering between what is normal for an eight month old and what is an indicator of impending doom.

The next six weeks are going to be a struggle for me - no doubt.  I am using the remainder of my massage gift certificates from my friends, celebrating Passover, taking a small road trip with my boys, working on some art projects, trying to distract myself.  If you pray - I hope you will consider including us in your prayers.

Thank you

Sister Wife

We attended a baby shower for this beautiful lady yesterday:

(Erika with me and Mo)

Ted has always said that baby showers are for women.  He would never attend one.  But, for Erika (his former "work wife"), he came home early from a ski trip to be in attendance.  I think he was pleasantly surprised to find a beautiful garden filled with his friends, delicious food and cold beers.  He's going to want to go to every baby shower I'm invited to from now on (....as if!)

Erika was always wonderful with Max.  She is wonderful with babies.  She spent lots of time with us in the year after we lost him.  She had us over for dinner on Halloween (one of the most horrific days after losing Max), she brought over countless dinners and sat with us in our darkest pain, she volunteered at Maxie's event and donated her time for our silent auction (she is an amazing interior designer), and she never, ever rushed us through the horror - she never stopped us from talking about Max - she never changed the subject or belittled our loss - she ALWAYS acknowledges the horror of Maxie's death - the profundity of our emptiness.  And, I know we were really hard to be around in that first year...but she always made us feel like she wanted to spend time with us, not like we were an obligation.  I love her.  I really really love her.

I am very excited for her little one's arrival and I look forward to many future playdates. (And, I am talking about me and her....but our little boys can come too).  She is going to be an amazing mother!

PS - just kidding about the "sister wife" thing.  BUT - if we were to take one - I pick Erika!  (Though I am not sure how her husband Ian would feel about that one)

Thank you for understanding

Dear Parents, Friends of Parents, Siblings, Friends, Colleagues, Baby Sitters and Well-Meaning Folks who are just passing by:

I know that you managed to raise 2-3 healthy children, despite doing whatever it is that I am uncomfortable with you doing with Mo.  I know that I am over protective, bossy, and overly worried.  I am fully aware how annoying it is that I am not more relaxed.  I recognize that the sleep guidelines keep changing and that in your experience, "they all grow up".  I DO know all of these things.  I really, really do.  

But, you see, my baby didn't grow up.  What I may have done wrong will haunt me forever and so I am not going to make any mistakes this time.  I will put my baby down to sleep with nothing in the crib other than him.  I will be extra careful about things that hang near his face.  I will probably be giving him pureed foods for much longer than you gave your child.  I will watch him on a baby monitor when he naps and try to make sure that he is in a well ventilated room.  I will remind you over and over to do things that you already know to do.  I will do my best to make it obvious in a nice way that I would rather you didn't XYZ (whatever you are doing) but then I might not be so polite when you aren't getting the hint.  I will annoy the hell out of you.

I am sorry.  I apologize in advanced for being bossy, for seeming tense, for worrying too much.  I was sure everyone would understand but it is clear that they do not.  When I was pregnant, I even warned everyone, "I will be putting this baby's safety first and will have to just be blunt about what work and doesn't work for me".  I really did try to prepare everyone.  I really did.

The truth is that I would rather hurt your feelings and endure a few eye rolls in order to feel comfortable about my baby's safety.  I regret very much not being firmer about these things when it came to my precious one who is no longer here.  

I'd like to think that I will feel calmer in 7 weeks, when my baby is 9 months and 3 weeks old....but, I really don't know if I will....I don't know if I will ever feel as calm as I once did.  It just is what it is.  I didn't ask for it to be this way.

I know you just love him and you only ever mean well.
Thank you so much for your patience with me.  

Abby

This is me in my crib when I was a baby.

Times have certainly changed.

Eight Months Old

Our Mo is eight months old today!!!!  He is unbelievable - such a delight.  We never thought we could love another person as much as we love Maxie, but we do!  We love him so much.  I've already pretty much brought you up to speed with all of his stats.  So, let's just cut straight to the photos:

And, another one - because he is really good at sitting up:

Playing the part

Ted and I were watching HBO's "Real Sports" on Wednesday night during dinner: a show we can both enjoy because it features human stories about athletes....satisfying the interests of both of us.  The lead story was about Mike Tyson: A look at how he has changed, how he has softened.  He is no longer the crazy angry ear-biting boxer.  He is now living a quiet suburban lifestyle with his wife and two kids and traveling the country in a one man show.

Fascinating enough...And then we learned something else about Mike Tyson, something that many others probably already knew.  He lost a 4 year old daughter in 2009 in a freak accident - she hung herself accidentally from a loose rope hanging off of a treadmill.  And as if the story isn't horrific and shocking enough, seeing Mike Tyson crumble on camera talking about his loss, was something that felt like a punch to the gut.  The crumble was so intense, he had to stop the interview....he just couldn't continue to talk.  It was too much for him.

Ted stopped eating, pushed back his plate and got that look.  Ted gets this look of sorrow that starts in his eyes and slowly takes over his whole face and body.  It is soul crushing to see my big, strong, sweet husband sink into sorrow.  I knew it was too much.  It was too much for me as well, I felt my throat closing while watching.  But, of course, we didn't turn it off.  We need to watch these things.  As much as they hurt, they somehow help.  We are not alone.

When Ted came home from work yesterday, the first thing he said to me was how upsetting the segment was - he'd been thinking about it all day.  Tyson spoke about not wanting to cry on camera - not wanting people to see him cry.  Let's face it - men don't like for people to see them crumble.  I know this is something that Ted can relate to.  I have barely seen him cry since we lost Max but I know he does it sometimes still - when he is alone - most often in his car, listening to music.

For the last ten years, Ted has been making a CD of love songs for Valentines Day for the ladies in his life.  (He is actually a romantic - don't tell him I told you).  There are girlfriends before me who got those CDs.  These days, they come to me, Gigi, Beth and my mom.  For the last two years, the music has been for Max - song after song expressing how Ted feels about losing the love of his life - his son.  Men ARE so different from women.  They do not cry in public very often.  They have trouble expressing their emotions.  They would rather not have to say how they are feeling out loud.  I know that music has helped Ted articulate his feelings for himself.  Hearing the words come from someone else's mouth is easier in a way than having to say them himself.

Mike Tyson said that when he performs his autobiographical show, he isn't just being himself while onstage...rather, he "plays the part of himself".  It is easier for him that way.  It is such an interesting concept but one that most bereaved parents (I would guess) are doing off stage each and every day.  A slide show runs behind Tyson's head while he talks about his life.  When the subject of his daughter and her death comes up, he says that he literally cannot turn around and look at the photo.  It is too much - he would break character (the character he is playing - himself - Mike Tyson).  He knows that if he looked directly at the picture, he would come back into himself and crumble....which would cause him to break character....like he finally actually did, causing the end of the interview. 

I think that is why men look for distraction - why it seemed like it was "easier" for Ted to go right back to work after losing Max.  Not that he really had a choice but I know that it was not "easy" at all.  He had to play the part of himself so that he wouldn't crumble...  So, he did things I couldn't imagine doing - going to a fundraising event, attending small parties, hanging out with friends, traveling out of town for a football game.  He had to play the part of himself for a while...like Mike Tyson does in his show.....like I feel myself doing now.  I can tell you that lately, I am just playing the part of me. I am sure that Ted is still playing the part of himself as well.  It's ok and most of the time, it does keep us from crumbling.  Every now and then though, it is just too much - we break character.

If you are interested in seeing the interview, it is on HBOGo: http://www.hbogo.com/#sports/

My Unique Boy

I've written a lot about how Mo reminds me of Max.  It is only one of the MANY reasons that I am so in love with Mo.  Mo is also completely different than Max in many many ways and a very unique little guy.  Most obviously - he is HUGE!  He was born huge (9.52 pounds, 21 inches) and continues to grow large (He is about 20 pounds now at almost 8 months).  He is busting out of his 9 months clothes and wears a size 4 diaper.  Max was much smaller.

Also hard to ignore is Mo's full head of hair!  It is stick straight and he has already had to have it cut around his ears twice! Max's hair very lightly covered his head...

Mo makes a lot of different sounds - he says "MAMAMAMAMAM" on the regular (my FAVORITE whether it is intentional or not because I really don't know), he has about 3 different kinds of raspberry noises, he hums and grunts, he screams when he is happy (as I've mentioned, it sounds like he is on his way down a very fast moving and sky high roller coaster), he makes yummy noises when he eats, and I could really go on and on.  He is very vocally expressive.  The pediatrician even said she thought he'd probably be an early talker.  Even though Max was also very expressive, he mostly said "Da Da Da Da" (which Ted especially loved) and squealed with delight.

Mo's always moving, whereas Max was much more reserved.  When Mo is especially enjoying something (food, tv, seeing Daddy or Grandma), he twirls his wrists and ankles constantly (see video below).  On the changing table, he kicks his feet and reaches for the drapes, and thrashes his head from side to side.  When he is in his exersaucer or jumparoo, he gets a lot of exercise - dancing like crazy, whereas Max would sometimes jump but mostly would very carefully study each toy and button.

 Watch the ankles and wrists

Max was content to play on his own for much longer than Mo.  Max could sit in his bumbo and watch me make dinner.  I would generally talk him through the steps of my preparation and he loved it as much as if I were reading him "Goodnight Moon".  Mo also likes to play on his own but he likes more interaction.  He is happiest when I am up close and personal with him - which is fine by me since I can't get enough of him.

Mo reminds me a lot of Max but he isn't a replacement child.  He is his own little dude.  Mo feels like much more of a little boy than a baby in many ways.  Mo is hearty next to Max's delicateness.  He sweetness is boisterous compared to Maxie's more subdued sweet.  And, in a giant twist of "doesn't quite fit the rest of his personality", Mo is a crazy cuddler...Max was too but Mo is even MORE.  He likes to rest his head against my chest and suck on those fingers.  He seems most happy when we are snuggled close, and so am I.  Mo's heartiness and little boyness is what we needed - it inspires more confidence in his well-being than I think we would have had otherwise.  We are so grateful for that....and for him.  He is perfect - talking about him turns our sadness to smiles.  Mo is not a replacement child.  He is just Mo: our second boy, the healer of our hearts, our most important living person, a child we love just as much as his older brother.  He makes every day special.  We love him so much.

The plagues

We are doing Passover this year.  We needed last year off but, we are excited to be celebrating again this year.  It really is my favorite holiday.  Monday night we will be at my father's house.  I am planning on making chocolate covered macaroons.  I hope that they turn out.  Homemade macaroons are delicious.  Then, the next weekend, Greg and I are doing our annual Seder....this year, at our house.   If the macaroons go well for Monday night, I'll probably do them again...along with Matzo Ball soup and other smaller dishes.  It will be our first Passover "in nature", as we plan on doing it on our deck. We are going to rent some heat lamps and light up our trees.  I think it will be really nice though I'm not sure what the best way is to warn our neighbors of the coming festivities - since I have literally never spoken to any of them.  I've only ever seen the neighbors on either side of our house once each.  I can't imagine we will be singing out there much past 9:30 or so but we get loud.  Although we will be a smaller group this year, wine + festive revelry generally equals loudness.

Deciding to do Passover again wasn't a decision that came easy.  Deciding to celebrate at all EVER is really hard...but life does continue and I want our traditions to be something that we can look forward to and eventually include Mo in as well.  When Greg and I first discussed bringing Passover back, he brought up a good point - one that I really don't know what to do with - the plagues. Throughout the Passover Seder, the 10 plagues that were brought on the Egyptians are brought up - we list them, talk about them, sing about them.  They include: blood, frogs, locusts, lice, and the plague that broke the pharaoh's back - death of the first born son.  If you know the story, you know that when the first born son's of Egypt were taken by the angel of death, it was finally more than the Pharaoh could take and the Jewish slaves were set free.  How can I sing about this plague?  This plague that brought the Jews their good fortune is the same plague which has been visited on my family.  I cannot sing about it...or list it...or recount it at all without wanting to shrivel up and die....without wondering WHY was this plague brought on us?  We thought about getting rid of the plagues.  Ted says we can't avoid them forever.  Perhaps for this one year, we can focus on the rest of the story and not this one part...and then review again next year.  It's not simple.  Nothing is.

On a clumsy run

I've been kind of a mess lately.  My brain is extra air-heady and I keep getting hurt or finding new ailments.  It started with the plugged duct - which lasted a couple of days but finally cleared up after I took some advice from my readers.  Awesome.

Then, the ankle - it's so nice how people keep asking about it.  It is actually SO much better.  I spent about 5 days off my foot entirely - elevating and icing it and it has been getting slowly better.  I was off crutches by the following weekend.  It still hurts - mostly it is just a real bummer because I originally injured it on the day of Maxie's incident and it is just a nagging physical reminder of my broken heart.

Then, Sunday I was playing with Mo and Ted when Ted asked me what happened to my eye?  I asked him what he meant and he told me there was blood in the corner of my eye.  That was Sunday - the blood has now spread and covers over half my eye. (See exhibit A).  Sexy.

Exhibit A

 

Finally, last night I was making dinner and used a pan in the oven to roast some chicken thighs.  After I took the pan out and put it back on the stove, I was on auto pilot and grabbed the hot handle.  It took a full minute for my brain to receive the message that my hand was being burned.  Ted took good care of me - getting my hand under cold water and iced up and then wrapped in gauze.  Then he finished off making dinner under my direction. 

I am on a clumsy run.  Not paying careful attention, getting hurt for no reason.  My brain is kind of out to lunch and it takes all of my energy just to maintain the focus for the stuff that I HAVE to pay attention to - like work and Mo.  Even when I am not hurting myself - my body seems to just be combusting from the inside - as evidenced by my bloody eyeball.

An old friend recently lost her brother - suddenly and unexpectedly.  I get the sense that she might still be in shock even though I hear it in her emails that she is totally devastated.  She wrote me a couple of days ago to tell me that she was doing Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Choprah's 21 day meditation challenge.  "At first it sounded a little bit commercial to me or like they would be trying to get something out of us", she explained "but it is wonderful and I am loving every second of it. It's 15 minutes per day and I think the thoughts and messages are so meaningful and comforting."  So, I decided to do it too.  Perhaps 15 minutes a day of quiet might help me regain some focus.  (I meditated A LOT in the first year after losing Max.  My periods of meditation were the only moments of peace that I had and I would do it several times a day.)  I'd really like to put an end to this clumsy streak. 

Balance

Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, has been making her way around the television news shows - talking about how women need to "lean in" (or I might say "not shy away from") leadership and career.  Ted and I were watching her on 60 minutes last night (perhaps an old segment...it was on our tivo).  She said that women often don't go for leadership positions or promotions at work because they want to be able to have a family and they don't want their career to get in the way.  She was saying this as if it were somehow negative.  I think it is a choice that many women make - to keep their life in balance - because not all of us think that "having it all" means the same thing.  And, the truth is, I really like what I have seen of Ms. Sandberg.  She is smart and articulate and I would like to see more women like her at the helm of successful businesses - and I get what she is saying - that we women should fight for ourselves!  That most men would not just lean back and not go for the promotion or the leadership role so that they could spend more time with their families.  But I would say - maybe they should, if that is what they want. 

"Having it all" sometimes means having no balance and I don't think that is gender specific.  "Having it all" can feel overwhelming and more like having many medium sized pieces of all there is to have.  And, as she said, most women end up feeling guilty on some level for the choices that they make - spending too much time at work or not working at all or working so hard that they feel that it kept them from having a family.  I don't really mean to criticize Ms. Sandberg, because on the whole, I like what she has to say.  But, it did start me thinking about balance.

During the nine months that Max was alive, I guess you could say that I "had it all".  I had the job that I went to graduate school for - one that made me very happy, that I felt very passionately about, that I was paid well for, that I think I was pretty good at.  I had married the man of my dreams - the one that I never thought I would meet, that I still can't believe chose ME to spend his life with, that is my perfect partner - it took me a long time to find him - I am so grateful for him every day.  And, of course, we had Maxie - perfect...healthy, happy, sweet, easy, a perfect love in all ways - In fact, the most profound love of my life.  And, still I felt guilty all of the time.  I felt guilty that I wanted to go home every night and be with my baby so much more than I wanted to go to important networking events or fundraisers.  I felt guiltier that I often went to those things and didn't come home to my baby.  This is how all working moms feel, I am sure.  It's ok though - I felt genuinely happy and even a little impressed with myself that I was finding and managing balance.

I wrote a quick "happy birthday" email yesterday to a colleague with whom I had been good friends with before Maxie died.  The email that I got back thanked me and asked how I was doing?  More specifically, he asked how I was managing to balance motherhood with work...as if I was in some new stage in life and that I must be trying to figure out how I could possibly "have it all" now that I have Mo.  What he doesn't understand is that having Mo is what brought back the balance.  Losing Max is what threw my life out of balance.  What I wouldn't give to have never experienced this loss - so that my biggest issue was how to manage "it all".  I didn't respond.  I don't think he cares anyway...and I don't have an answer.  He probably just had nothing else to say, since we haven't spoken in a year and almost eight months.

I don't care about "having it all" these days.  I am not trying to stay on top of everything.  I don't feel the need to go to bat for myself or carve out time for my family.  I'm not trying to keep all of the dishes and counters clean.  I am not worried about making every minute with Mo into a teachable moment.  Sometimes we snuggle, sometimes we read, sometimes we watch television.  Often I don't do the laundry or the dishes - they can wait.  I am not trying to figure out new ways to leverage my position at work.  I just try to do the best job I can.  I just try to enjoy each moment as much as possible. It just "is"....I can't really explain it.  It is connected to my feeling that looking forward may be an exercise in futility.  I believe that most people are looking for balance in one form or another.  I am slowly accepting that for me, balance will mean something completely different than what it once did.  For me, the balance comes in looking for joy despite my pain - cherishing the moments with the ones who are still here, while constantly mourning the one who isn't.  I don't have the luxury anymore about caring about my work/life balance....and in retrospect it feels like it was a luxury - because once, I had it all.  No matter what my future holds, I will never have it all again (because to "have it all" would include Max and that will never be)....but I can find some peace in my moments....I think I will continue to experience love (I am WILD about Mo)....and that is probably as close to balance as I'll ever get.