You can't go there

"If a mother is mourning, not for what she has lost, but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created.  And it may be a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever'. [It may be] a comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her.  But not to her motherhood.  The maternal happiness must be written off.  Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knee, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild" - CS Lewis, A Grief Observed

What I feel is NATURAL.  To feel an enormous loss as I do is what any parent would feel because our present and our future has been ripped away from us.  It is EASY for you to judge me from where you stand.  But, I DARE you, FOR ONE MINUTE, to consider that it was YOUR child that died and not mine.  I don't need to ask how it feels to consider this thought because I KNOW that you would NOT dare to consider it. AND, if your judgment comes from a home with no children, you have no place from which to even begin to judge.  ONLY if you have been where I have been.  ONLY if you have too lost a child.  ONLY if you know this heartbreak, will your words have any bearing on my heart.  I have spent countless hours reading about, speaking with, and listening to women who have all been in my shoes.  What I KNOW is that no matter how PAINFUL this is....and it is painful on a level that is ALL CONSUMING....I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  


Bianca said...

Of course you are where you should be (as devastating and heartbreaking and terrifying as that place may be). You lost the love of your life, who you grew in your own body and nurtured with everything in your heart. For anyone to suggest otherwise is ludicrous. I am so glad you write honestly and from your heart. Love you.

Amy Robinson said...

Thank you for continue to be honest and share this, Abby. I believe you when you say you are where you are supposed to be. How could you possibly be anywhere else? I can only imagine how devastating and all consuming and life sucking this must feel. I hear you, Sweetie.

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I just read this blog entry and I am sharing it. My husband and I have had almost zero support in our losses. (First our son, two weeks later my mother-in-law.) We lost almost all of our friends within WEEKS after losing our son because we were "too sad" or "too angry" or weren't "handling it the right way." The anger I felt, and sometimes still feel, is indescribable. Of course, it might seem like I am still a pretty angry person but I can usually go through at least a week now and only get riled up once or twice. I consider it progress.