Screen Savers

We've all got pictures of Maxie as our screen savers.  Every time I want to look at my phone to see the time, I see my beautiful boy's face.  Every time my mom wants to check her calendar, there he is.  When my mother in law gets a call, the phone lights up with Maxie.  When you send Ted a text, the message is imposed on Maxie's picture.  I remember waking up in Lake Arrowhead after my most terrible nightmare and checking the time on my phone and seeing Maxie's face.  First love and then sorrow rushed through my entire body.  While Prima Sharon doesn't have Maxie as her screen saver, she has many photos of him on her phone.  My skin crawls thinking about her telling me that someone she knows asked, while looking through her photos, if these were photos of the baby that died.  When she answered, yes, the "friend" said she should delete them.  Some day someone is going to ask me if the baby on the phone is my son and I will answer yes and they will say how cute he is.  I just hope they don't ask me how old he is.  I am trying to figure out what my response is going to be to the questions from strangers about whether I have children, and then when I am pregnant, is this my first, and when I do have more children, how many do I have.  I like to think that I will always say yes and then include Maxie in my count.  How could I not?  Other moms have told me that sometimes they just tell, and other times, they just don't have the energy to console the poor person who asked and then feels terrible about having to hear that their baby died.  Recently my mom's phone lit up and a woman said, "What a beautiful baby!  Is that your grandchild?"  My mom just thanked the woman and said yes.  Seems easy enough.  The fact is that none of this is easy at all.

Grandma Susanna's screen saver.  The photo was taken in her bed while Maxie was watching cartoons and took a little pause to give her this sweet look.

My happy boys (my screen saver).  This photo breaks my heart.  It reminds me of our happy days.

Teddy's screen saver.  This photo was taken of Max in his stroller on our trip to Costa Rica