Grief is Messy

I got a comment today that I decided to delete rather than post, because I thought it was mean spirited, not constructive and potentially frightening to my friends and family.  It was posted by "Anonymous".  Way to go "Anonymous"!  If you are really concerned, and if you are someone I know, just write to me directly.  Many people have and I have responded to them.  If you read my blog, you come here once a day and read the thoughts that I have when I first wake up each morning.  You read a little about Maxie and his beautiful spirit, you read a little about our life after Maxie and the things that we are doing, you read about my grief and the very tough emotions that I am grappling with.  You will never know everything there is to know about my Max, you will not know all of the activities that we participate in, you will certainly not have the full picture of the complex emotions that surround my grief.  Some days my posts are especially dark and on those days, I find it hard to get out of bed because my sadness is so consuming.  Other days, I have a full schedule of activities.  Here is something that I want to make clear: You do not know me because you read my blog.  I could try to write really clean and sunny pieces just about the light and joy that Max brought into our lives but I decided when I started this blog to write honestly because grief is messy.  I have not been on this journey very long but I have found that the books, websites, movies and blogs that depict loss realistically have been a thousand fold more helpful to my healing than the "how to cope with grief" guides.  I don't need to read about the seven stages of grief, I am living them.  I also don't need to write about them because "anger", "bargaining", "shock" are just words.  I decided to write about how those feelings actually come up in my journey.  I decided to be authentic and not paint a pretty picture when the picture isn't pretty.  Anonymous, I can tell by reading your comment that you have never experienced traumatic loss with accompanying post-traumatic stress disorder and complicated grief.  I hope that you never ever have to.  If, g-d forbid, you ever do have this experience, please know that you can come back to my blog at that point.  I read a number of blogs written by mommies who have been through what I am going through and they are what have given me hope.  I read the journal of my new friend down the street, who also lost a baby to SIDS and it was as if I was reading my own words.  To read something honest from someone who has walked in my shoes and made it to the other side, had more children, found happiness and still managed to honor the memory of their little one is totally inspiring.  It gives me lots and lots of hope.  I am three months in, I just went through a number of "first anniversaries", we feel his absence every morning and all day long.  This is what grief looks like.  I have repeated many, many times, I have no intention of killing myself.  I want to live a long life with my beautiful husband and have many more babies.  I would like to find a way to connect to my child.  I speak to him daily.  I think about him with every thought.  As hard as this may be to absorb, I do not fear death in the same way I once did because there is the hope that I will be reunited with my little love.  But I do not need to explain myself to you, Anonymous. I have said it once and I will say it a thousand more times - my blog is not required reading.  And last but not least Anonymous, thank you for the brilliant suggestion that I seek help.  I will definitely look into that.

In the meantime, if you are just signing in today, please read my post below about reading to Maxie.  I am so happy that I have pictures of his little face totally engrossed in his evening book.