How much further can I fall?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Just when I think I can't get any lower and I start to feel comfort (?) with where I am, I sink another 10 feet.  It is always possible to get EVEN lower.  It astounds me.  I never imagined in my whole life I could feel this unhappy.  I didn't think it was possible for me.  There are no words left to describe the seething pain that is piercing my heart, the emptiness I feel here without my child.  I cannot begin to describe the guilt I feel for having failed my son.  I should have been with him.  I am speechless to explain the fear I feel that it could happen again.  The horror that it happened at all, that it happened to my most favorite person.  It is beyond words.

I daydream about our time together.  I try to remember his weight in my arms.  My arms wrapped around his tiny body.  In my mind, I visualize his smile, his look of surprise, the look of love in his eyes.  I try to hear the sound of his voice babbling to himself in his crib in the morning, his laughter, the sound of his cry.  I try to feel the softness of his skin, the small wisps of hair on his perfectly round head, the smoothness of his little eyebrows on his beautiful face.  My senses fail me.  I wish I were with him.

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