Is it possible to die of a broken heart? I feel like I might be doing just that. My whole body aches. It is 4 am. I have been up for hours, thinking about my baby. It started innocently. I woke up to go to the bathroom. I got back into bed and stretched my legs. Then I thought about Maxie stretching his little chubby legs on the changing table. Getting a good stretch in! Oh my lord! It is too much. I am so sad. My heart aches and I can't stop thinking about him. Was this really my destiny? Was this his? Can't be. I know I am going to wake up from this nightmare soon and find out that my baby didn't really die. It was a hoax. Then, when the pranksters bring him back to me, I will be SO grateful and happy for the rest of my life. But, I was at the funeral. I spoke at the funeral. I wore a black dress and hugged hundreds of people after they lowered his tiny coffin into the ground. I stood in my mom's living room afterwards and stared at the slideshow of photos of his very short life. I put out cold cuts every night in my own kitchen during shiva. I tried to make visitors feel welcome in my home and made small talk about things I wasn't really interested in. Sometimes I wish I could rewind and instead of smiling and making people feel welcome, I wish I had let the mascara run down my face while I screamed "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?". The grief is more than I can bear. It is all I think about. Max is all I think about. So, if it is possible to die of a broken heart, I am surely doing just that. But, it is a SLOW death. It is a death that is ripping one more little piece of my soul away every single day until, hopefully, one day I won't have to bear it anymore...because I will be with him.
Read a good post yesterday about grieving from another momma who knows just how totally terrible this all is: http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/heather/how-to-grieve/
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