Someone sent me an email not long ago saying that reading my blog was like watching someone unravel.  It stuck with me because it is true.  I am unraveled.  I feel like I have hit rock bottom but I have felt that before and been wrong.  Just when you think you are at the bottom, the ground falls out from under you and you find that you fall even further.  It is hard to imagine it getting any worse than this.  I feel like I have tried my best to do things that I think will make me/us better - acupuncture, grief counseling, writing, reading, getting pregnant (however short-lived that was), walking...  Nothing is working.  I am failing this test.  My brain feels like it is going to explode out of my head and I wish it just would already.  Sometimes I cannot even communicate with my own family.  I get mad when people tell me how to move forward.  I just want to be heard.  I am crumbling.  I am wilting.  There is nothing left of me.  In my worst nightmare, I never imagined my life like this.  I look in the mirror and I don't see me.  Who is this horrible, angry, ugly woman?  It's me.  My aunt sent photos the other day that she took a month or two before Max died.  It is like looking at a completely different family.  We look so happy.  Where do I go from here?


Kimberly Bonheim Birbrower said...

Abby, I hear you.

40licious said...

Dear One,

Grief is not something you can skip. You can go in through the bathroom window, take the basement route or walk through the front door, but you have to go through, there is no cheating. It will take a long time. You will never be over it and you will forever be changed. This frustrates people who feel helpless and want it all to be normal again. They will eventually get compassion fatigue and move on with their lives and you will still be without your love.

There is no certain day when you wake up and it's all fine. You will slowly, imperceptibly, channel your energies in different ways over time.

Scar tissue is stronger than regular skin.

Bianca said...

I am so sorry and heartbroken that you have to live with this much pain and loss, no mama should ever have to bear this. I loved how happy you were with Maxie and so miss that, and most of all I miss him and him and you and Teddy together.