World keeps spinning

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I can't believe that the world keeps spinning without my Max.  I know that sounds cliche but it astounds me that life goes on for everyone I know (and don't know).  People are still going on vacations, going to parties, having meetings, figuring out their Halloween costumes, dropping their children off at daycare, having dinner parties, getting married, having babies.  I just can't believe it.  My world has been at a standstill for 88 days.  It has been 88 days since I last saw Maxie, last held him, last kissed him, last sung to him, last smelled him (unless you count this morning when I laid down in his room with his dirty laundry and smelled him all over it).  88 days feels like 88 years.  Some days it feels like anything bad that could happen to me, will, and it scares the hell out of me.  Other days, I am just so sad about the void of not having Maxie that anything else that could happen seems like nothing anyway.  I had some hope for a few weeks there about another baby.  I was scared that people would think that I was fixed once they knew I was pregnant, like one baby could ever replace another.  I was and am more scared that this could happen again.  I am reminded constantly that this will never happen again.  I try my best to believe that.  I guess if you believe that it will never happen to you, if you are so confident that you continue to book vacations, figure out Halloween costumes, have dinner parties, drop your kids off at daycare, have meetings, get married and get pregnant, I should believe that my chances for evil are the same as yours, which you believe don't exist.  So, I should try to believe, as you do, that nothing bad will happen (again).  Some days I am better at that than others.  I have more bad days than "good" and good days aren't really all that good to be honest.  As it turns out, October is "Pregnancy and Infant loss month" - that shouldn't be too hard for me to remember, right?  Another mommy who experienced a loss sent me this article yesterday.  I think it pretty much speaks for itself: The Heartache of Infant Loss.

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