Why My Max?

Oh Lord!  I miss my baby with something so fierce today.  I can't even imagine how I am still here without him.  Let me tell you some stuff about Max that I am sure I have already told you.  He was a GOOD baby. He smiled all of the time.  He was such a good sleeper and napper.  When you walked into his room in the morning, his little face would immediately turn on a great big smile.  He was a good eater.  He was smart (and I know this to be true!).  He was the cutest thing I ever saw in my whole life and he got cuter every single day.  Everyone loved Max.  He was popular at daycare.  He was the apple of both of his cousin's eyes and he had doting grandparents, a loving auntie and uncle.  His mommy and daddy could not believe how lucky we were that he was the baby we made.  We talked about him and how wonderful he was without stop.  We were completely over the moon. Every day, I sent photo updates of him to our entire immediate family.  I wanted to make sure that his East Coast family could follow along as he developed and grew in cuteness. At the moment that I got the phone call from daycare that Max had stopped breathing, I was in the middle of posting his most recent photo to Facebook.  This is the worst form of torture - knowing that I will never have him in my arms again.  It makes me beyond crazy.  I am SO scared about our future.  So incredibly scared and I can't even get into EVERYTHING that I am scared about because there is so much.  When I think about it all, I get so overwhelmed, I throw myself into a panic.  Exactly the reason I am supposed to be living one minute at a time.  As much as I hate it, I know it is a rule I have to start following because if I even start to think about one day more without Max, I lose my mind.  Max had the most beautiful eyes - "as big as Eskimo Pies", is what my dad used to say.  He would look right into my eyes, the way most adults will not.  I could stare into his eyes forever.  Oh man, I am so sad.  I miss this boy with all of my heart and I am crushed.  This isn't the way it is supposed to be.  I can't stop asking the question, even though I know there is no answer - Why MY Max?