A break

It occurs me to lately that I don't really care what you think of my grief.  I don't care if you think I am grieving too much or not enough.  I don't care if you don't ever mention Max to me again - if you haven't yet, our relationship probably isn't that deep anyway.  I don't feel deeply wounded if you say something really stupid or insensitive.  I'm not saying I like it, I'm just saying that instead of getting angry, I just feel like you are being stupid and insensitive.  Everyone is from time to time.....some more than others.  I get it finally that you are protecting yourself by staying away from me - and that is ok.  Where I am at now, I don't really need everyone I once had.  Believe me when I tell you - I am strong.  I am one of the strongest people I know.  I've had no choice.

You see, I spent a lot of time and energy arguing with people who felt I should be grieving differently: that I should have moved on, or seen that it was all part of god's plan, or realized that Max "was only a baby" and that I "could have more children".  I recognize now that those people don't have any idea what they are talking about.  They are just talking from the point of view of someone who has no clue - talking to hear themselves talk. You can tell me until you are blue in the face how differently you would grieve if it was you, but you won't ever know until it happens to you.  Somehow us grievers all get it.  So, it doesn't really matter what you think.

It's liberating really.  I mostly expect people to say nothing, so when I get nothing, I'm really ok with it.  It still touches my heart when people DO show that they care but I get that most people may not.  That's ok too.  They didn't know Maxie.  They didn't know how perfect and wonderful he was.   They are worried about themselves and that is fine.

I've always heard that as you age, you care less and less what people think.  Considering I've aged at least 20 years in the last 2, I'd have to agree.  I just don't care what you think.  All that matters to me are Ted, Max, Mo and the people we love.  All that matters to me is what is in my heart.

They say these stages of grief cycle and so it's possible that the anger is just taking a break.  I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.


Hannah P said...

It's the people who understand and care - those are your friends / family. Other people and their clueless opinions and comments - you don't need them.

Maxie is your son and always will be. To not mention him is to deny his existence and that is very, very hurtful for a mother and father.

Seeing Each Day said...

Life experience is so different when our heart is involved - so when we watch a news segment of a car crash and hear that there were fatalities we stop for a few seconds and think of the horror, possibly tears fall, but the chances are, an hour or two later our minds are on something else. The impact on the victims family and intimate friends is completely differs in comparison. What I'm saying is nothing new but, why is it that people whose hearts aren't fully involved in a particular life event feel they have any right whatsoever to give 'advice' to someone whose heart is so damaged? No wonder you've experienced such anger at their heart-less words and obvious thoughts , but I'm pleased that as you say, even if it's just temporary, that you are not allowing this to hurt you. A break from that is well deserved. Renee.