Foot Fortune Telling

You know I am into some stuff these days that many would consider to be "out there".  I like visiting mediums, and reading about the afterlife and about all sorts of other religions, and reincarnation and watching "Through the Wormhole".  I am ready to try just about ANYTHING to get closer to wherever Maxie is while I am still in this lifetime.  Instead of calling me a sucker, let's just say I'm "open minded".  But, even I have to laugh at this one.

I had been seeing a certain alternative medicine practitioner who will remain nameless since many of my friends have been to see her.  I love this woman really.  She is warm, and exotic, and interesting, and (not that it matters) but very beautiful and she has helped many people I know with various issues ranging from constipation to fertility.  I swear it was because of her that I got pregnant with Mo (I mean, I am *almost* positive it was because of her).

Anyway - She is awesome and not only have I been going to her myself, but I've sent others.  She's very confident in all of her recommendations so I don't even bother to question her "prescriptions".  I figured that since NOTHING was helping me in the weight loss department, this would be an easy assignment for her.

Instead of our regular mode of therapy, she wanted to try something new on me.  I took off my shoes and lay on her table and she started asking me questions about my diet, exercise and lifestyle and then pressing on the soles of my feet. I didn't think much of it (I'll take a foot massage wherever I can get one), but then she started asking "my body" questions about me.  For example, She'd say "Is the problem in the liver?"  Foot press.  Serious look.  "No.    Is the problem in the pancreas?" Foot press.  Serious look. "No".  This went on for a while.  Until she determined that I had parasites that were making me fat.  Sounded reasonable to me - I mean, there has gotta be some explanation. But, don't parasites usually make you skinny?

Then she left the room and came back with two crates full of herbs and other remedies.  She began again, "Should she take the anti-stress formula?"  Foot press.  Serious look.  "Yes......How many drops?   One?"  Foot Press. "Two?"  Foot Press.  "Three?"  Foot Press.  "Yes, three drops of anti-stress formula", she said as she wrote it down for me.

"Wait a minute", I cut in.  "Are you saying that you can ask my foot questions and based on the feel of the push, you know the answer?"  "Yes,"  she laughed "All of the secrets of the universe are within you and I can read your body through your feet!"


Ok, I know what you're thinking.  I've really lost it.  But, I don't know.  She sounded so sure of herself.  I mean, I didn't really believe it....but I sure wanted to.

"So, does that mean I could ask you about anything and you could tell me the answer based on my foot?"
"Yes."  "In fact," she told me "when my daughters like a boy at school, they come running home, take off their shoes and say, 'Mommy, does Billy like me?' and I press on their feet and tell them the answer."

Who ever knew about FOOT FORTUNE TELLING?!  Not me.

And so that is how I ended up spending an hour in her office asking all of my questions and getting her expert Foot Fortune Telling advice.
"Will we ever really be happy again?"  Foot Press.  Serious look.  "Yes"
"Oh good!  Will I get pregnant again soon?"  Foot Press.  Serious look.  "Yes"
"Is Mo the reincarnation of Maxie?"  Foot Press.  Serious look.  "I am sorry, but no".
She prescribed my "parasite fighting" herbs: Wormwood, black walnut hull, anti-stress formula, vitamin B complex, at least 1 whole avocado every day, tons of papaya, cilantro and lemon.  She told me to go home and eat a whole pizza because after starting the new plan, the weight would "melt" off of me.
AWESOME!  Right?  Not only would I finally lose these 20 baby weight pounds but I am also holding ALL of the mysteries of the universe in my FEET!  It was all very good news as far as I was concerned.

For the next three weeks, I stuck to the plan faithfully.  Nothing happened.  I ate pounds of papaya, doused everything in lemon, smushed cilantro into avocados and chowed down.  Nothing.  So, I made a follow up appointment to see what could possible be going wrong.

"Hmmmmm.  Are you taking the Vitamin B complex?"
"Yes, I am taking everything!"
"Are you eating enough avocado?"
"Yes!  I eat at least one every day."
"Hmmmmm.  So, maybe I was wrong.  Maybe it isn't parasites."
"What?  But how could you be wrong if I hold ALL of the answers to all of the mysteries of the universe in my feet?"
No answer.  Just heartfelt regret that she couldn't help me.

I'd tell you I left feeling a little ridiculous but I think I was laughing too hard.  AND - before you discount her entirely - I have to remind you that she DID help me get pregnant with Mo.  I am like 95% sure.  Or, at least like 80%.

To wind up my story, let me tell you that I have lost 10 pounds since then, which is HUGE for me.  I still have another 10 to go but I am telling you that NOTHING worked.  After the foot fortune telling went awry, I was referred to another alternative healer and she just recommended a book for me:  The Fast Metabolism Diet.  The premise of the book is that chronic dieting makes you fat and that once your metabolism slows, you can exercise and diet your face off and it won't make a difference.  You need to heal your metabolism by eating specific healthy foods.  I have hesitated to even tell you because when you see me, I may not look that different but there you go.  It is working.

Yes, the Foot Fortune telling is probably all in her pretty head but I think she is talented in MANY other ways. 

And.....I still believe the answers are out there, even if they aren't all contained within the sole of my foot.


GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

Great post! I like your attitude and sense of humor.

Chantel said...

Oh man. The secrets of the Universe through the feet. How do I tap into that, lol? I have ample access being that I'm a podiatrist and all.

Abby Leviss said...

Oh Chantel - that is hilarious!

Rachael Petru Horowitz said...

Abby, when Polly was young and "collicky" my husband made me see his kooky chiropractor. He had me lay down on my back, then lay Polly down on my stomach/chest and then he asked my body all sort of questions about Polly and what foods her body liked/disliked. He measured the response by how resistant my fingers were when pinching his. I was laughing so hard. And then I quit dairy for four months. Then I wasn't laughing so much...