How my thoughts get from here to there

Mozie has a little cough.  I know babies get coughs.  I am trying to keep it together because it isn't a big deal. 

But, Maxie had a cough.  He was always coughing.  I assumed it was just a cough that daycare kids get and his pediatrician kept confirming that it was nothing to worry about....even though it had the tendency at times to sound really hacking. 

I know I will never feel like we are safe.  I know this.  And, I can either freak out every time Mo gets a little cough or try to keep calm and know that it is likely nothing. 

Though you wouldn't necessarily know it....I've been having a hard time lately.  All of the really horrible images keep rushing back to me all day long - the phone call, the ER, the run to our cars to drive after the ambulance, sitting on the floor of the hospital hallway with Ted outside of the ultrasound room where Maxie's was, leaving without him, sitting with the funeral director, being asked for one of us to identify his body at the funeral, Ted and my father walking to the tiny coffin to check.  

I can't believe this happened.  The burden and heartbreak are too much to bear most of the time.

But, I started off just writing about Mozie's little cough. 

I don't know - this is how my brain works now. 

1 comment

emily said...

I completely understand that--my thoughts have a way of running away from me and reliving over and over again that horrible time...