His Scent

His scent was totally baby and so intoxicating. I loved to cuddle close and breathe him in. Max was delicious. I miss his smell! I miss it so much it might kill me.  

Max stopped breathing on a Tuesday and was taken off life support on a Thursday. On Thursdays our cleaning lady comes - I knew that I needed his dirty clothes to stay dirty. I needed to keep his smell.

I am so grateful that my moms boyfriend climbed in through our doggie door to get Maxie's clothes out the hamper. I keep them sealed in freezer bags in Mo's room.  Every once in a while, I open them up so I can breathe him in. It makes me feel like I am back with him again - iit also makes me want to die at the same time.  
One of my greatest fears is that someone will accidentally wash his clothes and take the most important connection to him that I have left. 

I miss my baby so much.  I miss his beautiful, intoxicating, delicious baby smell. Some days I really don't know how I'm doing this STILL.


Em said...

When Eva died I had JUST done the laundry. The only clothes I have of hers are the ones she was wearing moments before we took them off to give her her very last bath. I, too, keep them sealed in freezer bags. I open them up once in awhile and let her wash over me. But I quickly close them up for fear I may use up all that delicious smell all at once.

Tiffany said...

i keep all of Julius' signature clothes in a fireproof safe in my closet. most of his baby smell has gone from them. but i do keep his baby comb/brush in a plastic bag with some of his hair in it. hoping one day to clone his dna and bring him back to me. ok, i know that sounds crazy to some, but i would really do it in a heartbeat.

Maxie's Mommy said...

Doesn't sound crazy to me Tiffany and I KNOW you would do it. XOXO

Jessica Sawyer said...

Oh ladies I totally understand!! I have Jude's PJ's he was wearing the day the ambulance took him from out house, folded up in his bed...along with his blankie. I smell them all the time. I will put them in a ziplock bag now that I have read this :-) This mamma misses her little boy so much!!