My relationships with each of my boys is different, even though they have such similar personalities in so many ways.

I've said many times that when Maxie was about 4 months old, I was giving him a bath and I had a feeling that I'd known him forever.  He was very familiar to me.  More than that - I KNEW him - better than I had ever known anyone before in my whole life.  I figured that this is how all mothers felt about their children.  When we lost him, I lost the person I'd loved most and known best in the whole world.

Mo is more of a mystery to me - he feels to me like new love.  You know that feeling where every little thing is totally new and wonderful?  I'm always surprised by the funny faces he makes, the hilarious sounds, his unique quirks.  I love him equally but our relationship is totally different.

Mo fills part of a space left empty by Max.  I am madly in love with Mo.  He is so very special.  He made me a mother again.  He "normalized" us and made us less scary to others.  He is a very unique boy and I love him wildly.

Max was my first.  He was the greatest love I had ever known up until his birth.  He can never be replaced.  He will always be missed.  As a parent and a human being, I love my children differently, because they are different people.  I don't think it is right to assume that Mo would even want to take the place of Max.  Like all people, I believe that Mo would want to be his own person, not a replacement child for the brother he never met.  And he is his own person.  One that Ted and I each love uniquely.

That is how it should be. 

1 comment

Taryn said...

This sounds spot on to me, as a child of parents who lost another child. This is very similar to how my life played out, and I am so very grateful for it. I know I am loved, my brothers know they are loved, and we all know our sister is loved even though she's not here right now...and through watching our parents love our sister, we are all very secure with the idea that their love cannot be overcome even by death itself. There is enough love and adoration for all of us forever, and we are all allowed to be ourselves, and hold a very unique place in our family. I totally relate to the things you are expressing here, and I can tell you, from my own experience, that things are going to work out just fine.