A Defeated Rant

I'm sorry to have to say this, because I SO want to have a better attitude about all of this than I do but I am so angry that I worked so hard with Jake to get him back on his feet.  He was in bad shape for about six months, really having trouble and in a lot of pain.  But, I was determined to get him back!  I knew I couldn't sit back and just watch him deteriorate.  So, I took him to acupuncture every week (I mean, COME ON - who takes their dog to acupuncture every week?  And, it isn't cheap either), giving him chinese medicines throughout the day, pills and drops.  Ted has also been working so hard to keep Jake comfortable - taking him on walks and to the dog park, keeping up with his medicines and giving him extra love.  AND - Jake was doing so good.  I felt so proud that we were able to help him so much and I really, really thought it meant we would have more time with him!  The vet said she wanted to have Jake wear a clinic t-shirt around town because he was such an impressive patient.  This tumor totally blindsided us.  I just feel totally defeated!

I am smart enough to know "it's not my fault", just like losing Max "wasn't my fault".....but MAN, it makes me so angry.  I can't tell you how much time I spent pumping and pumping and pumping breastmilk to make sure that I wouldn't have to give Max formula.  I was even driving from appointment to appointment WHILE pumping....because "breastfeeding lowers a babies risk for SIDS"!!!!!!!! (and yes, I am screaming and I am also calling B*LLSH*T on it!).  Now I see these poor new mothers beating themselves up over low milk supply or poor latch and I want to shake them and say, "My child died of SIDS and he was BREASTFED!  My other child is alive and he started drinking formula at 7 months!"  It is such B*LLSH*T! And by the way, "anonymous", I am fully expecting you to post your holier than thou breastfeeding comment here and the fact is, you will be missing the point!  The point is - there is no rhyme or reason!  No amount of breastfeeding saved my baby's life!

And, what I haven't even told you, is that I lost my cat a month before losing Max.  Ugh.  I haven't even really been able to talk about it because in retrospect, after Max died, I felt like an idiot being SO upset over Lupe (my cat).  But, she got into a backyard and disappeared and when I found out, I cried for days.  I called all of the shelters in the San Fernando Valley looking for her.  I went to a conference for work and had to leave halfway through the day because I was so distraught about Lupe.  And, for some reason, at Maxie's Shiva, everyone kept asking me where she was - as if it really mattered, which it didn't at that point - but I couldn't even talk about it.  I just kept saying "I can't talk about that right now".  I still don't really want to talk about it.  If I think about her, I feel sick.  If I think about any of this too much, I feel sick.

I think of myself as such a good parent - to babies and pets alike but you know what?  I just feel so defeated.