People are always excitedly telling me about their pregnancies, or their babies, or their friends babies, or the babies of mutual friends that I haven't seen in decades. Babies are WONDERFUL! They are sweet and cozy and loving and innocent. When you play with them, you talk baby talk and you get to kiss and squeeze them and listen to sweet children's lullabies and other happy music. They make you feel warm and safe and full of excitement. Babies are the embodiment of love, happiness, trust and loyalty.
My baby experience isn't like your baby experience. Mine includes the death of my baby. I know that you know that.....but you don't really think about it when we are talking about babies. You aren't aware that my insides hurt thinking about babies and how much I miss mine. You don't realize that I would KILL to be up all night with the baby I lost or what I would give to be in the position most pregnant women are in - unaware of the fact that babies die. I know you know mine did, but I also know that you KNOW it won't happen to you....and I hope you are right. I am sure you are but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it crosses my mind that it could happen.
Babies are wonderful. I love them so much. I love my babies so much. I love yours too! They are amazing. I guess I just wanted to point out that they strike a chord in my soul. That when you carelessly talk about the excitement and anticipation of having your baby. Or, when you talk about the stress that having to take care of your baby causes you....that I am thinking about my baby and how broken my heart is here without him.
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I think about your baby and the babies who have passed on in the lives of my friends and family when I watch my [living] baby. It pains me to tears to think of those precious little souls whose mommies and daddies don't get to see them everyday anymore. No, I cannot relate to losing a child in any means, and I would never pretend to know what that feels like. I do worry every day and night and minute that I'm away from my child, though, about his well being, because I know that nothing in life is guaranteed, including life itself. Children are a mother's world, and I fear losing mine every day. I want you to know that there are strangers out there who mourn for you and your family, strangers who give you virtual hugs each day even though you may not feel them, strangers who hope to never be able to relate to your story but at the same time who want you to know that we are here to lend whatever emotional support we can offer. And it is because of stories like yours and others whom I know that I don't mind getting up in the middle of the night when my toddler cries for me; as tired as I am, I'd rather spend those moments with him than without. Sending you my thoughts and prayers and hugs :)
It's so painful. No one really understands. My heart will forever ache for my baby and yours.
We will always remember Maxie even though I never met him or you it feels like we do. Much love. Kira
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