Guilty reminders

For the most part, I'm doing much better with seeing babies. My heart doesn't start racing and I don't struggle to catch my breath anymore every time I see a baby.  I really credit having Mo for this.  Before he was born, it was really bad and one of the many reasons I didn't leave my house much.

Once in a while, I still get caught off guard - like when I see a baby in a doc band or when I see a baby wearing an outfit that I dressed Max in, or when I see any baby that looks at all like Max.  

There were lots of shows I had to stop watching after losing Max - Dexter & Mad Men, off the top of my head, both had babies during the seasons I was watching right after Max stopped breathing.  I couldn't watch.  I think I could handle those now.

There is this one commercial for baby lotion that stops my heart and makes breathing near impossible every time I see it.  It pushes every button.  The mom and baby are cuddling on the bed, after bath time I assume. She is putting lotion on the baby's body and the baby is looking at her adoringly, like Max used to look at me.  The baby even looks a little like Max to me. Then the voice says something like "You are doing a great job mom." Ugh - its like a punch to my gut. I thought I was doing such a good job with Max. Being Maxie's mom felt like the most natural thing - what I had been waiting my whole life to do. I knew he adored me. Our relationship was so deep. Whenever this commercial comes on, I can't help but feel like I failed.  It makes me sick - sick with myself. It takes my breath away.

I spend hours every single day thinking about what I could have done differently.  I could have quit my job and stayed home with Max.  I could have chosen a different solution for his daily care. I could have been more vigilant about things that I wish had been done differently when I wasn't with him. But, I honesty don't know if any of those things would have made a difference.  At times, I feel in my heart that they would have but then my soul tells me they wouldn't have. I just don't know.  All I know is that I may never forgive myself. Living with this much uncertainty and guilt is sometimes just unbearable.  

I am sick with myself and sick with missing him.

1 comment

Jayden's Mommy said...

So much of this post resonates to how I feel. Many people say it was not your fault! You didn't do anything wrong! But we were their moms it was our duty to protect them... So. No matter what I think we will always feel guilty. Just remember you were are and will always be Maxie's mom no matter what and one day you will be able to continue to love him and care for him. I'm holding on tight to this hope. Much love Abby.