Guilty reminders

For the most part, I'm doing much better with seeing babies. My heart doesn't start racing and I don't struggle to catch my breath anymore every time I see a baby.  I really credit having Mo for this.  Before he was born, it was really bad and one of the many reasons I didn't leave my house much.

Once in a while, I still get caught off guard - like when I see a baby in a doc band or when I see a baby wearing an outfit that I dressed Max in, or when I see any baby that looks at all like Max.  

There were lots of shows I had to stop watching after losing Max - Dexter & Mad Men, off the top of my head, both had babies during the seasons I was watching right after Max stopped breathing.  I couldn't watch.  I think I could handle those now.

There is this one commercial for baby lotion that stops my heart and makes breathing near impossible every time I see it.  It pushes every button.  The mom and baby are cuddling on the bed, after bath time I assume. She is putting lotion on the baby's body and the baby is looking at her adoringly, like Max used to look at me.  The baby even looks a little like Max to me. Then the voice says something like "You are doing a great job mom." Ugh - its like a punch to my gut. I thought I was doing such a good job with Max. Being Maxie's mom felt like the most natural thing - what I had been waiting my whole life to do. I knew he adored me. Our relationship was so deep. Whenever this commercial comes on, I can't help but feel like I failed.  It makes me sick - sick with myself. It takes my breath away.

I spend hours every single day thinking about what I could have done differently.  I could have quit my job and stayed home with Max.  I could have chosen a different solution for his daily care. I could have been more vigilant about things that I wish had been done differently when I wasn't with him. But, I honesty don't know if any of those things would have made a difference.  At times, I feel in my heart that they would have but then my soul tells me they wouldn't have. I just don't know.  All I know is that I may never forgive myself. Living with this much uncertainty and guilt is sometimes just unbearable.  

I am sick with myself and sick with missing him.